 | We all have emotional and psychological vested interests in seeming externally to be our best selves. Most of us, we hope, respond to these impulses by actually trying to be our best selves in the world. Our insides aspire to match our outsides. For others, the optics of manipulated perception are the primary reality or even only reality they recognize or allow others to see. The effects on communities and society can be brutal, and we must stand up to them. |
By Rabbi David Evan Markus
Bo 5785 (2025)
I bet many of us have known narcissists. By "narcissist" I don't mean the natural personality trait we all possess – a capacity of self-recognition that wants to put our best foot forward in the world. A bit of narcissism can be a healthy motivator to do our best to be our best. In Talmud's ideal (B.T. Berakhot 28a), we aspire to behave well as the natural consequence of conscience: we match our outsides to our ideal insides.
But narcissism can go awry. Unhealthy narcissism is grandiose, controlling, judgmental, manipulative, brusk and even cruel. These are signs of narcissistic personality disorder. Unhealthy narcissists act big to conceal inner realities often quite small – low self-esteem, self-loathing and worse. Rather than behave to match and reveal ideal insides, they construct false and often toxic fronts to conceal aching insides.
In the process, they may fabricate faux realities blind and deaf to facts, people and values. Exhibit "A": Pharaoh in this week's Torah portion.
The first seven plagues ravaged his country, but Pharaoh's heart remains hard as rock. Seeing himself accountable to no one, he claims his right to say and do as he wishes: he clutches the Israelite slaves. No amount of innocent suffering moves him. No amount of pleading touches him. It will take the death of all firstborns at the end of this week's Torah portion – including Pharaoh's own son – before Pharaoh will grudgingly let the people go.
So why does Torah record God to tell Moses, at the start of this portion (Exodus 10:1), to "Go to Pharaoh" to try convincing him? Why does Torah record God to actively harden Pharaoh's heart even more?
Recently I stumbled onto a shimmering teaching that changed how I see the whole thing.
R. Ovadiah ben Yaakov Sforno wrote in medieval Italy, long before psychologists and even longer before their wisdom not to try changing clinical narcissists because they usually double down in response to challenge. The Sforno recognized that it made no sense to change Pharaoh because the normal rules of psychology no longer applied to him. Instead, God kept sending Moses to an implacable Pharaoh – and sent "warning" plagues before the worst one – not to convince Pharaoh but so maybe others around him might see, repent and be transformed. Only then might society change.
In this understanding, God's exact words to Moses take on profound new meaning. While the usual English translation is "Go to Pharaoh," in Hebrew בֹּא אֶל־פַּרְעֹה (bo el-Par'oh) means "Come to Pharaoh." Only a God to be found in coming to Pharaoh could tell Moses to "come" to Pharaoh.
Spiritually, we must "come" to tyrants whoever they are, however powerful. We must confront tyrannical behaviors whatever their source. Maybe we can't change the toxic narcissist, but lies and abuse have ways of becoming normalized unless we confront them. Like the literal fires in California that spawn satellite fires, the toxic flames of narcissism and tyranny spread and create new burn zones unless we douse them with waters of truth and decency.
Maybe we can't change the arsonist, but together we can stand up to a culture of arson. It starts by coming to the fire.
Bo 5785 (2025)
I bet many of us have known narcissists. By "narcissist" I don't mean the natural personality trait we all possess – a capacity of self-recognition that wants to put our best foot forward in the world. A bit of narcissism can be a healthy motivator to do our best to be our best. In Talmud's ideal (B.T. Berakhot 28a), we aspire to behave well as the natural consequence of conscience: we match our outsides to our ideal insides.
But narcissism can go awry. Unhealthy narcissism is grandiose, controlling, judgmental, manipulative, brusk and even cruel. These are signs of narcissistic personality disorder. Unhealthy narcissists act big to conceal inner realities often quite small – low self-esteem, self-loathing and worse. Rather than behave to match and reveal ideal insides, they construct false and often toxic fronts to conceal aching insides.
In the process, they may fabricate faux realities blind and deaf to facts, people and values. Exhibit "A": Pharaoh in this week's Torah portion.
The first seven plagues ravaged his country, but Pharaoh's heart remains hard as rock. Seeing himself accountable to no one, he claims his right to say and do as he wishes: he clutches the Israelite slaves. No amount of innocent suffering moves him. No amount of pleading touches him. It will take the death of all firstborns at the end of this week's Torah portion – including Pharaoh's own son – before Pharaoh will grudgingly let the people go.
So why does Torah record God to tell Moses, at the start of this portion (Exodus 10:1), to "Go to Pharaoh" to try convincing him? Why does Torah record God to actively harden Pharaoh's heart even more?
Recently I stumbled onto a shimmering teaching that changed how I see the whole thing.
R. Ovadiah ben Yaakov Sforno wrote in medieval Italy, long before psychologists and even longer before their wisdom not to try changing clinical narcissists because they usually double down in response to challenge. The Sforno recognized that it made no sense to change Pharaoh because the normal rules of psychology no longer applied to him. Instead, God kept sending Moses to an implacable Pharaoh – and sent "warning" plagues before the worst one – not to convince Pharaoh but so maybe others around him might see, repent and be transformed. Only then might society change.
In this understanding, God's exact words to Moses take on profound new meaning. While the usual English translation is "Go to Pharaoh," in Hebrew בֹּא אֶל־פַּרְעֹה (bo el-Par'oh) means "Come to Pharaoh." Only a God to be found in coming to Pharaoh could tell Moses to "come" to Pharaoh.
Spiritually, we must "come" to tyrants whoever they are, however powerful. We must confront tyrannical behaviors whatever their source. Maybe we can't change the toxic narcissist, but lies and abuse have ways of becoming normalized unless we confront them. Like the literal fires in California that spawn satellite fires, the toxic flames of narcissism and tyranny spread and create new burn zones unless we douse them with waters of truth and decency.
Maybe we can't change the arsonist, but together we can stand up to a culture of arson. It starts by coming to the fire.
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