 Source: Harvard Health (2022) | We all have impulses and habits that we're not proud of and don't well serve us. Sometimes we can take them on directly. But especially if we load our habits with negative emotions and self-judgments, focusing on our habits and impulses can only reinforce them. There's another way – and as the holy month of Elul begins, it comes right on time. |
By Rabbi David Evan Markus
Parashat Ki Teitzei 5785 (2025)
All of us have impulses and habits that we know aren't good for us or good for others. Maybe we notice them and struggle to resist them.
If our attention becomes about our struggle, it's harder to change – and often that's exactly what happens. Consciously or not, we end up focusing on how we feel about our habit, and about ourselves having it. Negative emotions about ourselves can make change harder.
What if a gentle shift in focus could help us improve our lives more easily? What if focusing on time itself could help us shift our negative habits and impulses?
Neurobiologists confirm exactly that. Even a 20-minute wait before indulging a negative habit can help the impulse abate. Time can become our ally.
This week's Torah portion makes the same point, and right on time as the holy month of Elul and teshuvah (repentance, return) opens. As we head up to Rosh Hashanah, this week's Torah portion presses us to shift our self-improvement focus to time itself, because impulses and bad habits unfold in time.
Torah makes this point in two odd teachings about impulses designed to get our attention.
First, Torah ended the ancient practice of military conquests that immediately let victorious male warriors "have" the conquered females. (Tragically, this still happens in the world's most brutal wars.) Instead, Torah required a warrior to wait a full month (Deut. 21:13) because "his desire might cool" (Ibn Ezra, Deut. 21:13) – and that was the point. The warrior was to watch the month rather than his impulse. Even more, during that month, the female wore no makeup or attractive clothes: she was as she was (Rabbeinu Bahya, Deut 21:13). If after a month the warrior still was attracted to her, seeing her as she was – unadorned – only then did Torah allow them to partner.
Put another way: If we feel an impulse to get something, watch the impulse and don't adorn the object of our desire. If after suitable time the desire remains and our vision is clear, then go ahead. But first watch time.
Second, Torah ended the ancient practice of parents immediately killing children who remain defiant despite discipline. (Yes, this ancient practice still continues elsewhere in the world.) Instead, the parents needed to take the child to the community elders (which took time) and make a public declaration (which also took time) (Deut. 21:18-20). Time was the point: the impulse might abate. Even more, Talmud bent over backwards to make it impossible, and in so doing made all capital punishment impossible (B.T. Sanhedrin 68b-71a). (The story of how Talmud did this is fascinating and shows how morality is our first focus.)
Put another way: If we feel an impulse to lash out, watch the impulse for the time it would take to walk to the nearest court. If after that time the desire remains and our vision is clear, then maybe. But first watch the time.
Sometimes time is against us and we must act urgently – climate change, hunger, unjust wars and more. Other times, time can be our hidden partner, inviting us to watch time so that our negative impulses can abate when not immediately indulged.
As the Elul moon waxes and wanes, heralding the new start of Rosh Hashanah, let's watch time itself: it's time.
From my heart to yours, I send blessings for a meaningful Elul of gentle awareness, loving return and soul awakening.
Parashat Ki Teitzei 5785 (2025)
All of us have impulses and habits that we know aren't good for us or good for others. Maybe we notice them and struggle to resist them.
If our attention becomes about our struggle, it's harder to change – and often that's exactly what happens. Consciously or not, we end up focusing on how we feel about our habit, and about ourselves having it. Negative emotions about ourselves can make change harder.
What if a gentle shift in focus could help us improve our lives more easily? What if focusing on time itself could help us shift our negative habits and impulses?
Neurobiologists confirm exactly that. Even a 20-minute wait before indulging a negative habit can help the impulse abate. Time can become our ally.
This week's Torah portion makes the same point, and right on time as the holy month of Elul and teshuvah (repentance, return) opens. As we head up to Rosh Hashanah, this week's Torah portion presses us to shift our self-improvement focus to time itself, because impulses and bad habits unfold in time.
Torah makes this point in two odd teachings about impulses designed to get our attention.
First, Torah ended the ancient practice of military conquests that immediately let victorious male warriors "have" the conquered females. (Tragically, this still happens in the world's most brutal wars.) Instead, Torah required a warrior to wait a full month (Deut. 21:13) because "his desire might cool" (Ibn Ezra, Deut. 21:13) – and that was the point. The warrior was to watch the month rather than his impulse. Even more, during that month, the female wore no makeup or attractive clothes: she was as she was (Rabbeinu Bahya, Deut 21:13). If after a month the warrior still was attracted to her, seeing her as she was – unadorned – only then did Torah allow them to partner.
Put another way: If we feel an impulse to get something, watch the impulse and don't adorn the object of our desire. If after suitable time the desire remains and our vision is clear, then go ahead. But first watch time.
Second, Torah ended the ancient practice of parents immediately killing children who remain defiant despite discipline. (Yes, this ancient practice still continues elsewhere in the world.) Instead, the parents needed to take the child to the community elders (which took time) and make a public declaration (which also took time) (Deut. 21:18-20). Time was the point: the impulse might abate. Even more, Talmud bent over backwards to make it impossible, and in so doing made all capital punishment impossible (B.T. Sanhedrin 68b-71a). (The story of how Talmud did this is fascinating and shows how morality is our first focus.)
Put another way: If we feel an impulse to lash out, watch the impulse for the time it would take to walk to the nearest court. If after that time the desire remains and our vision is clear, then maybe. But first watch the time.
Sometimes time is against us and we must act urgently – climate change, hunger, unjust wars and more. Other times, time can be our hidden partner, inviting us to watch time so that our negative impulses can abate when not immediately indulged.
As the Elul moon waxes and wanes, heralding the new start of Rosh Hashanah, let's watch time itself: it's time.
From my heart to yours, I send blessings for a meaningful Elul of gentle awareness, loving return and soul awakening.
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